"THE WAY I WAS TO WHO I BECAME"

 

 
While organizing old pictures
I made a journey to my past
Every thing came to my memory so vividly
Like a fresh blow of time ...

I saw the little girl I was
I went back to her world of thoughts and emotions

I was so idealistic
I did believe in a fair world
I did believe all people were potentially good
Perhaps bcz my first reference was my mother
The person I learned about kindness with
Unconditional love
Acceptance, understanding
Warmth ...

I loved to spend time with her
Climb trees
Take care of our cat's kittens
Play alone in a very imaginative way
I was friend of solitude ...

My challenges during childhood were
A very opressive shyness
Many fears, insecurities
Mirrors, shadows, darkness

In my teenage years I was even more idealistic
I wanted to heal all the wounds of the humankind
Feed the hungry
Set free the ones living under oppression
Give a voice to the silenced
Heal all the pains
End prejudice and social inequality
Give a better life to the ones left behind...

I was moved forward by my passions
I was so intense in my ideals
Had very firm principles
Wanted to wrap my mom in love
Be the best friend to the ones looking for a listener
I loved to help ....
I wanted to be there to all!

In my adolescence I discovered passion for the opposite sex
My first boyfriend was my ideal of love
I was happy with him
I did cry bcz of him
When everything was good was very good
When not that good was an inner drama to me ....
It was really that fatalistic-like thought
The all or nothing "sentence" ...

It is interesting how we change as a catterpillar transmutating along the way...
We start seeing things in a different perspective
With new "glasses"
The changes are brought as experiences
In the journey towards maturity...

Growing up is not easy
But even so ... necessary
Some times will have to mature too fast
Due to the harshness of the circunstances
This is the most arduous way of growing
Because we have to skip some steps
Reach a point where most things are unknown and scary
And we are alone with ourselves
There is no way but face them

Today I look back and try to figure out how much I changed
Since childhood ...
I still see myself through the eyes of that little girl in some aspects
In others I am glad I turned some pages and became a new version of me

All of us have this thing while looking at the past
That we could have done some thing different
Maybe yes, maybe not
I think I did my best with the "luggage" of knowledge I had in each phase
I am proud of who I was at some extend
But also regret one thing here and there
This is our dilema as imperfect human beings

Along our lives we reach victories and make mistakes
The interesting thing is that
I have learned more from the mistakes I made
Than the victories I got
Recognizing mistakes is also a victory
As it demands humbleness
Humbleness is needed in the process of learning

The way I was
Still lives with me
Still teaches me

I still learn from that idealistic little girl
I still learn from that passionate adolescent
With all the things that molded me along the years
The way I was is my identity

In the present time
Every day is given to me a new white canvas
The paintbrush is in my hands
The white canvas is life
I hope to still have time to become a talented artist of myself ...
In order to make my life and the life of the ones I have shared a life with
More meaningful, easier, and pleasant ...

I still have doubts about what I want to be and change and do
But one thing I do know
I dont want to be anybody's life black hole
I wanna be a giver not a taker of other's light or energy
I want to bring smile and be unable to give tears
I want to help people to face their fears
By getting strength from their inner gifts
And keep believing in happiness and love
Yes, they are possible realities
If we have faith in us and them ...

(Simone)

No comments: